Lost Friends

A little rain to help cool the evening. Probably not enough to help the wildfires here in Colorado, but it does make the evening more pleasant.

I got an email from a friend, Elie. A beautiful redhead. I still remember when I first saw her at the Barnes & Noble in Flagstaff. I fell. I actually managed to ask, stammeringly, for her number. Even more shocked she gave it. It was the first time I had ever worked up the courage. And to really put the icing on the cake, she went out with me. And then of course, I tried to put a knife through me arm, and spent the week in the psych ward. She wasn't as friendly after. And it was years before I found the nerve to contact her of Facebook. But she accepted. Through the two most difficult parts of my life, she was there, then and now. And I truly don't think she knows how wonderful that is to me. Thank you, Ellie. 

End of the day

I'm sitting on the patio, a glass of lemonade and a Perdomo cigar. It's about 80 outside. I can just see the sunset reflected off the clouds to the west, as the sun drops below the Rockies. There's a bit of cloud cover, enough to not tell if the moon has risen. The highway is a steady stream, a babbling brook, just beyond the field. Occasionally someone wanders through the parking lot. A number of people stroll laps around the apartment buildings. And here I sit, depressed and apathetic to the world around me. 

No, maybe apathetic is the wrong word. Disengaged. Yes, that's more appropriate, I think. I see it, I see the people, and I don't care. Not today. Not for a few months now. Last time I felt this way I stuck a knife in my arm. Not this time though, I promise me that. The meds are started, the doctor appointments set, the therapy to begin. And then there's this, a public journal. Maybe someone reads it, maybe not. It doesn't matter. But I need someone to express this to, and I chose the Internet. 

Too many frustrations? Too much stress? Feeling trapped? I don't know. I just know that the feeling has crept slowly, day by day, until I could barely think. Grad school, troubled relationship, lack of social connections, challenging job. It all adds to it, until you freeze under the weight, unable to move. But I moved! I MOVED! I took the first steps, I made myself do it. And I found the people who could help and made them part of it. 

Today draws to a close. Tomorrow begins.